Perhaps. The terms "conspiracy" and "theory" are grouped together in a phrase which seems to be used (or has been used) by the more apathetic ones of the world. Truthfully, conspiracies do exist. As well as theories. All apples and oranges. It could all be true or it could all be a fallacy. Critical thinkers, computer geeks and the more socially conscious individuals seem to have one thing in common in matters such as these. They usually know when something's not right even when told that everything is "alright".
As much as I'd love to give the long, drawn out definition of the term colonization and place it in its proper context, let me simplify it while drawing the correlation it has with conspiracy theories. In Layman's Terms, colonization is simply a method of "taking something not your own and making it your own". Simple, right? Well, not quite. The message is clear, yet the methodology is quite complex. And the reasoning behind it all is even more complex. Not as simple and recognizable as it should be to the masses of people on this planet. Greed is really one of the deadliest sins ever.
Colonization efforts have taken place throughout history. You've heard the tall tales and have seen the many Hollywood films glorifying the atrocities of New World establishments. This isn't your typical big bully coming to kick you out of your own sandbox league. In this case, the big bully isn't as tough as they thought they were and now have to reassess their approach to kick out whoever's in the sandbox because it's not the sandbox that they're really after. It's what's inside the "sandcastles" and the particular type of "colony" that's already established within the sandbox. Some sandcastles are filled with just plain old sand - yet are surrounded by various ingredients that'll make the bully much stronger. Other sandcastles in certain sandboxes, depending on "location", are flooded with materials which will not only strengthen the bully and their efforts, but will also give them an excessive amount of wealth and power so they can easily bully the other children of sandboxes that are much stronger and potentially bigger bullies than themselves.
I hope you're keeping up with me, folks.
Well, today, I'm going to coach you. Yes. I'm going to coach you on how to colonize an area, country or region that consist of some really luxurious castles with even more snazzy minerals that'll make you the strongest bully in all the land. Here are just 10 simple steps to help you complete your mission:
Remember..."The best killer is a silent killer." - Anonymous
1) Study and survey the area, tribe or region you want to colonize. Acquiesce the necessary resource and understand its nature, function and its potential usage.
So, what is it you're looking for? Ah yes. You don't know. Well, go find out. Also, while you're in the midst of your search, ask around. You're an anthropologist. Your "partner" is a documentarian and quite the historian. Your team that's with you are a group of diggers. Just tell whoever's there that you're looking for dinosaur fossils or some crap like that. They'll buy it. As long as you have a license from your company/organization, you should be good to go.
You should occupy that particular space until you've damn near learned the area like the back of your hand. That way you can give directions when the rest of your buddies show up with the heavy artillery and weapons. You may need protection in the future.
2) Formulate divisive tactics to eliminate any possible threats to your accomplishment. (i.e. coercion, bribery, blackmail, etc.)
Dude, trust me. It's not as bad as it may sound, but sometimes you have to play dirty with dirty players, if you catch my drift. There are just some people in the area you're trying to "assist" that are kinda like conspiracy theorists. They get a hunch and they prepare themselves for attack. Paranoid pre madonnas. They don't believe you're there looking for dog bones, so you're gonna have to keep them at bay. Make sure you have something to offer them.
Remember all that "funding" given to you by your governments (or the people who thought they were donating a couple of bucks to cancer research)? Yes! You've now turned that into a currency that's suitable enough to make sure you're handling business and it's also enough to give to those tough guys to keep them off your back. Trust me. When you're paying someone's rent and putting food on their tables, there's not much to complain about. If that doesn't work, you can always provide "treatment" to your problem by calling one of your other buddies who's an ace in Call of Duty...the live version.
3) Keep the major threats preoccupied with meaningless information and media. (i.e. political ads, rumors, etc.)
Some people just can't be bought. And that's always a problem with colonization efforts. Not every man in the world crumbles at the sight smoke, mirrors, money, prostitutes and cocaine. Cocky bastards, I must say.
There are "major threats" that can pose an even bigger issue than the minor ones. These are the governments, head officials and trusted elders/councilmen of the area. Now these sons of bitches almost always smell fish. They'd make great conspiracy theorists, wouldn't you say? Sometimes, when someone smells fish, you don't add more fish, you give 'em a meal. Take the attention off of yourself. You're not the first person that's presented a threat. Expose what you have examined. You're a great talker. Remember that one time you had one of your men dig up some fossils and you stumbled upon a chemical that could be used for atomic weaponry? Or about that time one of the "little guys" stole or "borrowed" some money from you? Yeah. The reporters are gonna LOVE to hear this! Continue on.
4) Give the inhabitants of the land “the illusion of peace” via religion or the image of a better lifestyle.
The world you want to eventually create is a world EVERYONE can live in. It's a world full of glamour, glitz and hobbits! Not only is this a magical world, unlike the land you're occupying, it's also a world of peace and serenity. At least that's what you're preaching to the inhabitants of the land who are perceived to be dirt poor and downtrodden. They live in huts, eat weird food and they worship a bar of soap next to a totem pole. Strange people. They need a makeover! And you can provide it for them!
Persian rugs from Europe (eh?) are much better and a lot softer than dirt pads. Let 'em cop a good feel of it. And for that religion of theirs known as Boo Boo where they worship Lord Boo so much that they begin to smell like it. Tell 'em to shove it. Your way of life, your beliefs, moral consciousness and your rhetoric is so much better. If they don't buy into it, then fine. Play a friendly game of catch with their children and invite some of your missionary buddies to come and play with 'em too. Every good salesman knows that "it's not what you're selling, but how you sell it and how it appears before it's sold". Bullshit can smell like the finest cologne if you make it that way.
5) Earn the trust of the elders of the tribe/village through the offering of gifts and the “act” of submission to their guidance.
Yes. It's true. If people like you, and give you their trust, everything else is quite simple. You're a nice guy. Your partner's a nice guy. Your hitman's pretty awesome as well and he's not afraid to show emotion. And of course your missionary pals are pretty cool and they're always smiling. You're practically more loved in the village or tribe than the people who've lived there much longer. And in terms of colonizing a place, THAT, my friend, is a great thing!
You're so loved by the people, they've invited you to join them in their boo boo ceremonials. You can't understand a word they're saying, but just keep smiling. There's someone there who'll be able to translate and explain to you how "Boo Booism" works. No worries. And old people back home usually give you cookies to make you happy, but not the elders of Lord Boo's following. If they offer you some "gunk mush", no matter how it tastes, just eat a little bit. Eat it with a smile. It looks good on camera! Just go with it. Give 'em something in return. Shit, offer 'em your grandmother's pearls if you need to. Lord Boo will be pleased, at least.
6) Identify differences within the sect or culture and exploit it through action.
Don't expect the people of such a great place filled with plenty of "money-making opportunities" to be monolithic. Not everyone's the same. And they're okay with that. But before they begin to "smell the fish", you wanna make sure they're NOT okay with it before they become a threat you'd just hate to have to eliminate. It's for their own good. I mean, that's what you've been telling them the entire time, right? Good.
They have their differences, of course. But when it comes down to interaction with the naked v. partially clothed inhabitants, who do you feel more comfortable talking to? Fat v. skinny inhabitants, who would you rather play with in a game of catch? As for the dark v. the really dark inhabitants, who'd you rather sleep with or even sleep next to? Exactly. The emotional charge you'd receive will be incredible.
Finally, they disagree on some things. For the people you don't agree with, just lightly pretend as if they're not there. Have them pick some fruit for you while you diligently work on your assignments. (Reminder: your government supports your efforts and they've been keeping tabs on everything that's been going on including the differences of the members in that particular geographical location.)
7) When tension arises, as expected, silently pick a side, yet sustain your position as “the peacemaker” through it all.
Before there's war, there's always tension. If you've followed steps 1-6 effectively, then you're close to clear sailings. Never forget. Once you have their trust, you'll have most of the tools, including some extra, necessary to complete your objective. Nothing comes easy. It can be a tedious job, but it can also be a walk in the park. It's all about how you play the game. Colonizing is fun, fun, fun! And all while this is happening, there are people in other places who have absolutely no clue as to what's going on. The blindfold of ignorance keeps the sheep unaware of the wolves.
As you begin to notice some of the tribesmen, women, children, elders and councilmen having their issues, you don't have to necessarily chime in and offer your expertise. You're too peaceful to get involved. Everyone, for the most part, likes you and all of your friends. Only get involved when called upon. Your role is quite simple. You're the "peacemaker". You don't mean any harm. And besides, you have even more good people like yourself who specialize in "social work" and "politics". They can help solve whatever issues there are. The mere fact that you care is enough to put a smile on their faces.
8) When the conflicts ensue and things turn violent, imprison the “troublemakers”, then proceed to "clean up" the mess that's been made.
Stick to the objective. You're there to colonize and control the population for their resources, not make friends or enemies. These people now have some serious issues that the rest of the world knows about! We can't even begin to list all of the problems they have! Let's see - we have bribery in political offices, extortion, blackmail, espionage, rumors of tribal conflicts and civil war, and it's gotten so bad, that a few people who used to believe in the ways of the Boo Boo have now moved on to believing whatever it is that you believe in. Which is not a bad thing, right? Wrong! Lord Boo is not pleased! And he can be violent. Everyone must feel the wrath of Lord Boo! Good thing no one's gotten hurt or even died over it yet.
Gasps! Oh no!
On the eve of XX/XX/XXXX at approximately XX:XXPM, one of the most well-known and well-respected members of the great land was brutally murdered. Sources say that he had enemies within the region who did not buy into his ideology, political philosophy, religion and who also did not like the fact that his skin was darker than theirs? Sounds so petty. Seriously, who fights over crap like that? Doesn't matter. You're on your way to Colonized Heaven, buddy! You have no time to mourn and weep over spilled milk. You're lactose intolerant anyway. And the media is just eating this up. All while your hitman sits right next to you listening to the radio report from your home country saying to himself, "Man, this is so sad. He was such a great guy." (tears, tears)
Now, your job is simple at this point. Since you're the good guy. Find the "killer", seek out motive, use it in the court of law (or whatever code or constitution the people follow) and throw the scoundrel in prison! And to all of his comrades (or supporters) that are left, just take 'em out back and have some fun! You'll be a hero in no time!
9) If the vulnerability of the people decreases, send in a military with more weapons and resources and proceed accordingly.
Civil war has broken out like lice in a classroom full of 2nd graders. People are angry at each other right and left. Some of them are so angry that they've created - what started out as - small cliques and have become actual gangs! These guys are pretty hardcore. They used to be so nice to each other. You even remember some of the children you played kickball with have now joined gangs. So young. So innocent. Lord Boo is NOT pleased. How could he be? Or she? Whatever, you've forgotten by now. And so have they.
These aren't the same peaceful, loving people you once knew. And these small tribes that have turned into gangs or affiliates of gangs are violent beyond belief! They're mainly violent because they're poor and hungry after being cast out of their villages. Hey, it was for the best, right? Right?! Now these poor, hungry and quite pitiful tribes have become violent and feel as though they must do what's necessary in order to survive. Remember, you're the peacemaker.
You've developed a great relationship with everyone over the years, so they can expect you to give them food, money and other resources...such as weapons. Everyone LOVES shiny objects. A nice and shiny M16, Glock 9MM, Sig Sauer pistol, AK-47 and big ol' rocket launcher is like selling candy to small children. Except for the fact that you're not selling them anything. And along with those weapons, give the poor and hungry bastards something that'll take their minds off of their malcondition. A little bit of crack cocaine, liquor and the illusion of political and social freedom goes a long way, does it not? Give it a try and see what happens. It's Christmastime in a land flooded with wealth! They're gonna love you forever...and ever...and ever!
Now, there are some old school, paranoid schizos who've been onto you from the very beginning. At this point, you'll need your allies more than ever to fend off these "troublemakers". But you don't just give away the food, money, clothing, shelter and weapons to your allies. No! No! Hell no! Why would you do that? They're your "allies" or, as they say back in your home country, "business partners". But what would they have to give that you'd actually want? Good question. Some precious stones, metals, rubber, gold, silver, diamonds, copper, titanium and funny smelling plants that are known to cure some of the most outrageous diseases ever, perhaps? Oh no. Not that. What could you possibly do with any of that stuff?
Sell it for a much higher price to other lands of people who could benefit from it? Sure. Keep some of the materials and use them to make the necessary products that'll be good for selling at a much higher price to the consumers in your home country as well as other similar countries that are thriving politically, economically and socially? Hell yes!
10) Create a stabilized market/economic system through the trading, buying and selling of the resources you were after initially.
It was almost as easy as taking candy from a baby. The psychological damage has been done beyond repair. Well, there's still room for repair, but by the time the repairmen show up, they won't be trusted and you'll be long gone. You'll be on an island somewhere sipping pina coladas with one of the dark-skinned tribeswomen who actually thinks bathing in bleach and wearing that special skin cream that makes her skin lighter is the "cool" thing to do. She's weird, of course, but she has a nice body and she damn near sold her soul to you when she was just a little girl growing up in the villages. And she still does that thing with her tongue just as she did when she were younger. You're the man!
And not to mention, you now have your own company! Yes. You have your own business(es). You have a warehouse set up in the old village that's operated by your allies and some of the relatives of the dead elders, you have a company running on its own back in your home country and you have a few small businesses set up in a few countries that are considered superpowers. Some of the materials that you've acquired are now being used inside of that slick android phone of yours that gives you business updates and text messages whenever your stock goes up. People are buying your product right and left. So what if their credit sucks! You're making tons of money. So much money that even your children's children will be millionaires by the time they're able to say "da da".
Note of Emphasis: You also want to eliminate any possible skepticism that you're involved in any strange dealings. Take as much time away from a bad situation as possible. Cover all of your tracks. Or, if you're smart, just hire someone to cover all of your tracks for you. You have friends in high places that have a little bit of pull in radio, television and news media (i.e. CBS, CNN, MSNBC, BBC, Telemundo, etc.) No one knows what you're doing and no one really knows what's going on. And as long as that's the status quo, then you'll be just fine.
You'd also be just as prosperous by making sure your "buddies" are giving false reports to journalists, giving an unclear perspective on the matter and making sure it's all documented. Tell some of those really nice gang members who remember all of the Christmas gifts you've given them that there'll be some of your friends are coming with cameras, lights and practically a Hollywood set and that they're gonna be famous. Of course they're gonna eat it up. They'll eat up anything you feed them. They're poor and hungry, just like you left them. Not only that, but now they're going to be poor, hungry and extremely violent - ready to kill anyone who stands in their way or tries to run for cover.
So you can tell Lord Boo to suck your greedy little cock because he's just been owned! There's a new God, a new religion and a lot more money to be made! Success has never tasted so sweet!
If you follow these steps, you’ll have your own land full of resources and enough helpless victims to assist you in your efforts in no time.
And when people try and expose you for what you've done, just look at them with a straight face and say, "Oh, that's some old conspiracy theorist bullshit! Let me show you the ladder to success. If you're ready to climb!" (thumbs up)
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